I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
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