I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
