five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Randomize
