He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Randomize
