just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I licked your asshole in confidence.
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