I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Randomize
