Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Randomize
