do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Randomize
