So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Randomize
