from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Randomize
