i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
