She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
Your dad touched me again.
no, there's no challenge. I live a humble lifestyle out of virtue.
You wear Armani Exchange.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
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