Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
