i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I think my moral compass just broke
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
