cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Randomize
