my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Randomize
