You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
