before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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