When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
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i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
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Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.