so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
I just saw the nastiest chick.
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.