you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize