Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
