Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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