Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
You need a sexual gate keeper
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
Randomize
