The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize
