I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.