remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.