I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
