every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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