I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
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