I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
