it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Randomize
