Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
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I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
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Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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