he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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