The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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