If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
this will be a night to untag.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
My feet surprised me
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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