The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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