i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
