i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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