Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
