I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
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