Black lace...the rest is up to ur imagination
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
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