My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
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