btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
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