arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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