dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
