the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
