You can't special order awesome
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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