chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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