we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
