Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
