ps i'm pretty sure i was blacked out when we hooked up? good thing i was w. you and not an actual diddler or an organ harvester
Hahaha. Shut up you were blacked out my ass. U were str8 mixin it up with urs truly like it was ur J-O-B
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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