dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize
