the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
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