I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
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Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
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Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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