im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
