i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
