I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
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