When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
So much rum. So many feels.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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