I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
