Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize