good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
